First things first, though: the secondary. This is the position that has me waking in cold sweats, yelling at the ceiling about Danieal Manning blowing another coverage, and wondering why the hell Lovie isn’t leaving him at the one position where he’s had any success? (Sidenote: I really did have a dream recently in which I missed the first two games of the season, and for whatever reason could not watch a replay. We lost both games by a lot, Cutler stunk, and many coverages were blown—I learned that much through in-dream Sportscenter. It was foreboding.) It seems pretty clear that Danieal Manning’s strength is running in a straight line, very quickly: He catches a kick off, he flies up the field; he lines up as a nickel back and blitzes, flying kamakazee-like into the line. But when you make him run in more than on direction—say, to his left, right, or, god forbid, backwards—he is completely lost (see Super Bowl, 2006 or vs. Texans, 2008). And beyond all that, if the plan is to play him at safety for 1st and 2nd downs, and then switch him to nickel for 3rd downs, how is he going to have fresh legs for kick-offs? Isn’t this sort of overuse the exact thing that ended Hester’s productivity as a punt returner?

I guess this is really like insulting the little Dutch boy for having his finger in the dike; it’s not his fault the sea level is rising. The entire reason for Manning’s switch is because Tillman is beginning to break down. I’ve always loved his aggressive playing style, but it seems that after multiple knee injuries, two shoulder surgeries, and now this back injury, that Tillman may soon go the way of Mike Brown. Perhaps it’s too early to say that, but I just can’t see how back and shoulder surgeries in the same offseason will lead to a productive, 16-game season. So, up steps Corey Graham, the Tillman clone who should have been starting in front of Vasher heading into training camp anyways. It really is the lone bright spot from this whole shuffle, as Graham was a much better tackler than Vasher last season—which is to say, he attempted to tackle the opposing player often. This also gives us a good opportunity to see Bowman and DJ Moore get some reps, and with some practice against the Bears’ sorry excuse for a receiving corps, they should have a lot of confidence going into preseason.

I could’ve been posting for the past 6 weeks—or really, the past 10 years—about how terrible the Bears receivers are, but in the end, I think what I broke down a few weeks ago is still accurate. It won’t matter, for two reasons: 1) Cutler made the receivers in Denver better, and will do the same in Chicago. There’s no way Eddie Royal is going to have 91 catches with Orton at the helm, and I’d be surprised if Brandon Marshall puts up the same numbers too. Cutler even squeezed some good production from Brandon Stokley, which bodes well for my nemesis, Rashied Davis. And 2) the Bears will rely heavily on Clark, Olsen, and Forte, which will make up for the receivers. The non-receiver supporting cast is way better than Cutler had in Denver—hell, we may even see the fabled Garrett Wolfe make a 3rd down appearance now that there is someone back there to draw defenders downfield. Imagine this: a 2-TE, 2-RB formation, with Olsen splitting out wide and Wolfe moving into the slot. Hester would be the only receiver needed on the field!

Canis Garrettus Wolfeus, a rare species native to the Chicagoland area, will hopefully be seen more in the open this Fall, wildlife biologists say.

On a more personal note, we (there is a lady who puts up with me, believe it or not) got a dog a few months ago, named Walter. One of the first few times I took him to the park, he befriended a boxer. They wrestled, barked, and did whatever it is that dogs do, and then got distracted until, for whatever reason, Walter decided he was interested in the boxer again. Problem is, they were 50 yards apart. So, naturally, Walter needed to cover that ground as fast as possible. In a big white furry blur, he sprinted toward the boxer, and without so much as breaking stride, Walter barreled through his cohort, leaving them both tumbling in the grass for a solid 10 yards. Walter stood up, shook a little, and trotted back to me, ready for the next play. Good dog. There’s been talk that we may get a bulldog. If we do, we’ll name him Suhey.

Walter sniffing Suhey's dingleberries

Isn’t there something else I’m forgetting to cover? Oh, right, Urlacher’s supposed insult about Cutler, which may or may not have come in a drunken rant in Las Vegas. (Isn’t that the exact sort of thing that’s supposed to “stay in Vegas”?) Whatever, I’m not writing about that. They need to both get over it. What a couple of pussies.

That’s why when I read statements from Lovie saying “Hester is a #1″ or from Cutler saying he’s “100 percent happy with what we have,” I can only assume they’ve been told by His Holiness Jerry Angelo that wideout help is likely not coming. That doesn’t necessarily mean Hester is in fact a bonfide #1, or that Cutler really does thank his lucky stars for pro bowl talents Earl Bennett and Rashied Davis.

As things stand, there will be at least a 4 week sussing-out process for Bears receivers. And that’s not counting the preseason. When the dust settles, Earl Bennett will not be a top option. And if Rashied Davis is, the Bears are in trouble. Without further ado, I unleash the Official 2009 Smilin’ Hank Wide Receiver Depth Chart . . .

2. Devin Hester

3. Brandon Rideau

4. Johnny Knox

5. Bennett/Davis/Juaquin Iglesias

Granted, #3 is based on seeing Rideau dominate third-stringers in preseason last year. But, he did dominate them. And #4 is based on the OTA videos available through the utterly unbiased source, chicagobears.com. But, he looks unbelievable in those videos. And where, you ask, is our #1? Well, when he’s not in a three-point stance, apparently he’s at Kenny Chesney concerts with Cutler. That’s right, G-Reg Olsen. I’m looking for big things out of him this year, and possibly even some three-tight-end formations, with Kellen Davis stepping in. It’ll be like having that big, hulking receiver presence out there, only without the firearms or domestic battery.

That’s all I got for now—some nice conservative assessments of the free agent market, and overly optimistic projections for unproven guys on the current roster. Ah, it’s good to be back to normal Bears blogging.

*Does not include Jay Mariotti. Hoorah.

Wait, no, nevermind, not sorry. We were illustrating a point. We were showing what it was like to sit around on draft day, only to see the Bears trade out of the second round, and not pick at all on day one. And boy did we prove our point. That was awful!

Moving on . . . the draft was OK. We hedged our bets on receivers, picking three, hoping one will work out. We got a couple decent defensive players in the Ohio and Oregon State kids. And we got a guy who could jump out of a pool, which is supposed to be impressive, but really just looks like, well, a guy jumping out of the pool. I think I’m going to film myself on the beach (running really fast in the sand, maybe with a frisbee, or a set of those terrible paddle ball things that people only seem to play with at the beach) and put it up on YouTube. Then maybe I’ll get drafted.

I run like a 5.4 forty in the sand. That's really good, trust me.

All in all, though, I can’t find a whole lot to gripe about this offseason. The O-line is vastly improved and has a ton of depth, Kevin Jones should be a better back-up now that he’s more than a year removed from ACL surgery, and I’ve heard some good things about this “Cutler” guy. In fact, I’m feeling like this offense might be the most balanced Bears attack I’ve lived to see. Brockermeyer and I crunched some numbers, and we think this isn’t too much of a stretch:

Cutler—4,000 yds, 28 TDs, 9 INTs

Forte—1,300 yds rushing, 700 receiving, 15 TDs

Jones—600 yds rushing, 200 receiving, 5 TDs

Hester—1,000 yds receving, 200 rushing, 10 TDs

Olsen—900 yds, 7 TDs

Clark—600 yds, 3 TDs

Davis—(cut in preseason)

Bennett—500 yds, 3 TDs

Rideau/one of the three rookies—some scraps

Wolfe—scraps leftover by Rideau/rookies/Jones

So the current corps has some potential, if for no other reason than Cutler’s arm, and this offensive line’s blocking ability. Between Pace, Kruetz, Williams, and whatever hogmollies you want to throw in between them, the Bears have an offense built for December at Soldier Field. But what about the defense? I’m glad you asked.

As much as the Bears are hedging their bets at wideout, they’re just throwing everything at the wall for the safety positions. Corey Graham, a promising (some might say “better than Vasher”) young corner, has been moved to safety—a position he’s drastically undersized for. I like Corey Graham tackling Bernard Berrian; I do not like Corey Graham tackling Adrian Peterson. But what’s the alternative? (Mike Brown.) Kevin Payne, the straight-line missile who can’t tackle in the open field? (Mike Brown.) Craig Steltz, the guy who got Adam Archuleta-ed by Ryan Grant last year? (Mike Brown.) That Bullocks guy, who got run out of New Orleans, the NFL’s case study in terrible secondary play? (Mike Brown.) No. Knowing all we know of the current depth chart, I say ride (Mike Brown) Graham for the 4 games he’ll be able to physically withstand, opposite (Mike Brown) Al Afalava, the kid still finishing his senior-year classes in the Pacific Northwest. He’s fucked up the least so far.

Sorry about that last paragraph. I’ve been having these weird carpal-tunnel side effects that cause my typing fingers to sneeze out “(Mike Brown)” every so often. I’m taking meds, so hopefully it’ll be out of my system soon.

I guess safety is my only complaint though. I am harboring secret hopes and dreams that DJ Moore will be the Mugsy Bogues of the cornerback world (starting in Vasher’s place) and I am actually starting to buy into this Marinelli-as-savior propaganda. (I’m not ready in invade Poland for him yet, but if he can get six sacks out of Mark Anderson, then I’d at least take Austria.) Elsewhere, we seem to have finally found a viable replacement for Hillenmeyer , which may spell the end for H-squared’s lame-duck tenure with the Bears. And the resigning of Idonije should keep options open on the line for the foreseeable future. Things are looking up.

(Mike Brown.)

All vague Freudian slips aside, Brockermeyer and I have been a little slow on the draft updates. Part of that is because we’re trying to figure out what we think of this whole ESPN Chicago thing. I mean, on the one hand, it’s cool because it saves me about 3 clicks by putting Chicago sports stories in one place. And the Chicago-specific SportsCenter is a nice addition (though I do wonder how long that’ll last if they keep adding different regions). So the organization and interface are alright, the videos are a nice touch, so what’s missing? In the words of Scoop Jackson, “the overtly obvious reasons not even worth mentioning.” The fact that a line like this makes it into a column—or, rather, a poorly conceived of/executed list—is just mind-blowing. What does it even mean? What are the obvious reasons? Is it our really good hot dogs? How about the Chicago Wolves? (If you don’t understand what I’m getting at, here it is, spelled out: Sure, the newspapers are going downhill, but their journalism at least mentions things they think about, and if they do have lists, they pad the lists with writing.)

So it’s with Scoop’s inspiration and insight that Brockermeyer and I unleash our 2009 Smock Draft: It’s overtly obvious what will happen, ergo, it’s not even worth mentioning. Thanks for reading!

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Alright, relax, we’re getting to it. The way it works below is Brockermeyer’s text is in BLUE, and mine (Smilin’ Hank, for all you non-regulars) is in ORANGE. The reason we chose those colors should be overtly obvious, and therefore, it’s not worth mentioning.

It’s just about that time, Bears fans! NFL Draft season is finally here and once again, my BFF Mel Kiper Jr. and I have been exchanging numerous texts between New York and Italy (where I’ve been hiding out) about rumors and predictions for Saturday’s draft. In return, I’ve been updating Mel about  potential Italian NFL talent that I’ve been scouting in Firenze for the past three months. Unfortunately, most Florentines think dramatic dives and flops are also effective in American Football, so it’s still a work in progress. But without further ado, here is my “Mini Mock Brock Draft” for 2009.

(And my less knowledgeable alternatives.)

2nd Round (Pick #49)

William Moore University of Missouri. You all must think I’m crazy that the Bears would select a safety with their 2nd round pick. However, Moore is a value pick, and a steal in the second round because so many receivers (i.e., Robiskie, Hicks, and Massaquoi) will be selected earlier than their actual draft grade. Moore was first team all-Big 12 and was the captain and emotional leader on the Missouri defense. His size and athleticism far surpasses Steltz and Payne, and his ability to hit and play in the box can shore up the run defense. Reaching for a receiver like Juaquin Iglesias here would be a costly and dumb move by the Bears.

Percy Harvin, University of Florida. I know, I know, “he’ll be gone by the time we pick.” But you guys are ignoring the fact that it was just revealed he tested positive for bong-rips at the combine. Bad timing for Harvin, great timing for the Bears. So I’m putting this here as the devil’s-advocate pick for two reasons: 1) If it’s not Harvin, it will likely be another receiver, and 2) If I’m going to predict a receiver, it’s going to be my favorite. That’s why this is a Smock Draft. We tape up plastic curtains on the walls, bust out the finger paints, and have at it. And just so it’s out there, he is not the same as Hester. They both play multiple positions, but Harvin’s are receiver and running back, and Hester’s are receiver and returner. It’s almost like trying to say Hester and Olsen are too similar because they’re hybrid players.

3rd Round (Pick #99)

Ramses Barden, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. Barden played in Division I-AA but absolutely dominated the competition during his collegiate career. With my own two eyes, I saw him torch the Wisconsin Badger defense in a game that went to overtime at Camp Randall Stadium in Madison. He also broke Jerry Rice’s collegiate record of consecutive games scoring a touchdown, despite playing with an average quarterback and an offensive system that was mainly focused on running the triple option. At 6’6″ and 230 lbs, Barden uses his size to his advantage in both blocking and the red zone, and still has the fluidity and speed to remain at wide receiver during his transition to the NFL. If Barden is still around at the end of the 3rd round, he would be the perfect complement to Hester for the Bears.

Michael Mitchell, Ohio University. I’ll freely admit I didn’t know a thing about this guy till I read the article in the Trib and the Sun-Times. But after some lengthy due diligence (i.e. searching his name on YouTube and finding this video), I believe I’ve found Mike Brown Jr. On another note, how come the music in these YouTube highlight videos is always terrible? If it’s not DMX or Nickleback, it’s some imitation-Limp Bizkit song. I’ve never made it through one of these without muting the sound and streaming Jonas Brothers from Pandora to calm my nerves and pluck my heartstrings. Oh Jonas Brother #2, how your mid-range harmonies remind me of Mike Mitchell’s future as a Bear!

4th Round (Pick #119)

Jonathan Casillas from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Yes, I go to the University of Wisconsin-Madison and yes, I am hoping the Bears pull the trigger here. Nevertheless, the Bears have been in contact with both Casillas and another Wisconsin linebacker, DeAndre Levy. Casillas was a three year starter and has the speed and tenacity to easily replace Hillenmeyer or Roach at the strong side spot. Casillas and Levy also cheated off me in Math 112 and Econ 101, so I feel like a part of me would be drafted if the Bears selected one of them.

Henry “Smilin’ Hank” Burris, Temple. Hey, a man can dream, right? Honestly, I never get this far in the draft. The 119th pick in the draft is easily 8 hours deep, and I just cannot watch football players in suits cry tears of joy  for 8 hours. It’s against my constitution. But, sure, Casillas sounds good. So does Levy. Hell, give Greg Paulus a shot.

So that’s that. I hope you didn’t find it boring, or overtly obvious in any way. If you’ve made it this far, then the odds are you’re of the sort that will watch the whole draft, so here’s a little wisdom: Stretch your legs every 10 picks or so. That sounds like it’s not a lot of time, but you’ll thank me later. Also eat tuna fish. Omega 3′s, I think. Or something. Whatever. It’s not even worth mentioning.

“Yoonew.com. Bears super bowl tix for under $150. I’m in.”

“Whoa. Getting Serious.”

“i know it’s good, but i love orton.”

“Cutler! Amazing! Historic move by our bears!”

“How bout them bears solid move what do u think” [Ed. note: this from a man only hours removed from back surgery, sent to my Facebook account, undoubtedly from a handheld device in a hospital bed. Also a Marine.]

Friends, anti-Bears or otherwise unaffiliated:

“Nooo…Cutler to the Bears!”

“Jay Cutler to the Bears…Congrats…now as soon as Orlando Pace signs, you guys should run the north”

“Be careful what you wish for…” (cont.) “I fear he’s not the droid you’re looking for, though? You guys need someone your D can respect, and Cutler seems like the kinda guy the D ends up hating for putting them back on the field…” [Ed. note: Steelers fan.]

“Mazel tov on winning the cutler sweepstakes. I’m pissed!!!” (cont.) “And Orlando pace. Damn I’m so jealous.” (cont.) “B.S. Enjoy it while you’re still undefeated.” [Ed. note: Lions fan.]

Girlfriend, football- and Bears-illiterate:

“Apparently i’m supposed to talk to you about an historic and amazing day for chicago? What happened today?”

Dad, lifelong skeptic of all things Bears-related:

“excellent! Need receivers”

Brother, breaking a radio silence of more than 2 months, in which the author presumed he was alive and well, but would not be able to confirm either if pressed to do so:

“Amazing!!” (cont. after the author breaks the news of Pace signing) “Wow!”

Brockermeyer, living in self-imposed exile abroad:

[crickets]

The author, responding to the above in various media:

“BEARS GOT CUTLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW

w
o
w

WOW

!

-Me

!”

“WOW”

“Bears got Cutler!!!”

“i too am an orton fan. but don’t you think cutler is better? he’s so spry and mobile and has a cannon and threw for 4500 yards in a single season!”

“Bears got Cutler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“He says as he polishes a Red Delicious apple and snickers…Easy for you to say coming off a second Super Bowl victory in four years! This is the best Bears QB since WW2!” (cont.) “the QBs we had would put the D back on the field after 3 plays and a punt. cutler will at least put some points on the board.” [Ed. note: Responding to Steelers fan's pretension]

“Man. This is unreal. Truly.” (cont.) “It was a glorious day to be a Bears fan.” [Ed. note: In conversation with Lions fan.]

“Yes!!!”

But the good news is, Angelo doesn’t seem sold on Shaffer either, because Orlando Pace was reportedly visiting Chicago today. This is fantastic news. I don’t care if he’s 33 years old—St. Eclair is 32, and Angelo offered him a contract. So why not the Pace bus?

Go ahead, Jerry. Kick the tires. This baby's got another year or two left.

Elsewhere in that Trib article, they mention that Ken Lucas, the Panthers’ defensive back, visited Halas Hall. They refer to him as the guy Steve Smith punched, which is pretty unhelpful. Anyone can get punched by Steve Smith. What I want to know is, can he stop Bernard Berrian from scoring 99-yard touchdowns? Or, more pointedly: Would signing another cornerback mean one of the existing corners will move to safety?

This question is about as old as Charles Tillman’s stint in the NFL. But not deservedly so. Tillman is definitely the most physical of the corners, but he’s also the best in man-coverage. Imagine the secondary with Graham and Vasher at the corners—could you ever blitz? They’d be totally exposed. I don’t care how cool or fast-sounding Vasher’s name is, he’s slow.

So, would Vasher make a good safety? His speed would probably be adequate there. But he’s scared of tackling, which is probably the worst quality you could have in a safety. So the prospect of putting Vasher at safety seems worse than any of the three competing for a job already (Steltz, Payne, and Bullocks).

What about Graham? He’s a young Tillman: physical, makes plays, has a relatively boring name. But why would you move a possibly starting corner to safety, thereby stretching that position thin? Ah, so many questions. But here’s a solution: sign Mike Brown.

Just sayin’.

• Re-signed Kevin Jones

• Cut Terrence Metcalf

• Signed Josh Bullocks from the Saints

I’m pretty happy the Bears actually did a few things. For a while I was just worried the front office had taken the cap-space money and gone to Antigua or something to wait out the recession. But they continued their tried-and-true method of rewarding players they’ve had on their team, whether or not they actually perform. In 2008, Kevin Jones had 34 carries for 109 yards. That’s like one solid Benson game for an entire season. Warrick Dunn—a veteran who put up 700+ yards last season in back-up duty, and who the Bears are just hoping Garrett Wolfe can grow up to be like—is still on the market. And yet we re-sign KJ as our answer. Granted, I like the guy. I’m just not convinced.

In other news, the Bears further thinned (shameless pun!) their offensive line by cutting Terrence MetLife, the guy who was suspended for ‘roiding and then never saw the field again. Angelo will probably say he was counting against cap space. To which I reply, yes, by definition someone on salary will count against the budget allotted for other people on salary. The Angelo business model is sort of insane, right? Am I the only one seeing this? He refuses to go after free agents who may have salaries higher than, say, league minimum, because said salary might decrease the amount the Bears are under the salary cap. In other words, he’s all for making the team better, as long as it doesn’t cost anything. So long, Orlando Pace.

The Snoopy 1, brought to you by Jerry Angelo & Co.

Which brings us to Josh Bullocks.

Wait wait wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. This one has some background. See, there was this guy named Rex Grossman. He played for the Bears for about 5, maybe 6 years. You may remember him. Kinda short, unathletic, but had this amazing arm that hypnotized people into thinking he might be good one day. Not ringing a bell? If I showed you a picture you’d remember. Anyways, he played well for a little while in 2006, then stunk, then played well again because his supporting cast was pretty good. (Patience, I’m getting there.) In the crowning moment of the Grossman-led 2006 season—and really his only contribution to the NFC Championship victory over the New Orleans Saints—Grossman lofted the ugliest looking lob you’ve ever seen down to the Southeast corner of Soldier Field. It looked like a punt. In fact, Maynard would have been proud of this coffin-corner kick. And while it’s in the air, you could hear people yelling Oh god! and What’s that? and Who’s he throwing to? and of course Where’s the safety? It took so long to come down, that Berrian had time to stop, totally misjudge it, and then go after it again, essentially laying on the ground to catch it. The Saints cornerback was helpless. It was like a baseball player trying to hit the first knuckleball ever thrown; a total WTF moment. And as Berrian is laying on the ground, just short of the goal line, the tardy Saints safety—ladies and gentleman, your newest Chicago Bear—Josh Bullocks enters stage right, checks to make sure Berrian has the ball secured, looks confusedly over at the ref, and then pulls a matador, letting string-bean Bernard slip right on by for a touchdown. What is going through his head at that moment is anyone’s guess. Here’s a link to the video; bask in its glory and then pay close attention at 1:50. [UPDATE: Brockermeyer sent me this even more depressing video.]

The man was part of a secondary that let Grossman torch them on the deciding drive. If memory serves, there were 2 other plays on that drive in which Grossman went after that side of the field. My question is: What have the Bears seen in Josh Bullocks’s 6 interceptions in 4 years that led them to believe he’s a better solution than Mike Brown, Roy Williams, or even Darren Sharper? Is the sight of Craig Steltz on the field that scary that they have to sign Mike Green version 2.0?

The only explanation I can think of is it didn’t cost a whole lot against the cap space. That’ll be comforting when Grossman is on the Lions, torching our secondary with deep bombs down the left sideline to Calvin Johnson.

It's not a girl, I don't think, but it still works for the metaphor. Also, considering it's a 15-second google image search for "bratty kid," how could I not use this? It's like LOLcatz in human form.

But lost in all the chaos of ruined sandcastles, is this bit of new that Roy Williams (of the strong safety variety) was also released by the Cowboys. Roy Williams, the guy for whom the horse-collar tackle was made illegal. Roy Williams, probably the only guy available right now who could adequately replace Mike Brown. Yes, there’s concern that Williams doesn’t know how to run backwards, which definitely hurts his pass defense, but if the Bears can use him like they used Brown, he’s essentially a fourth linebacker who matches up on tight ends.

But then comes news from the Trib that the Bears are still interested in Darren Sharper, the safety who looked slow running after Marty Booker in the shootout at Soldier Field this year. That previous sentence pretty much sums it up. Slower than Booker. Here’s a link to the play—note how long it takes Booker to turn it upfield, and then note Sharper coming in from the lower right corner of your screen, shuffling his feet, and then getting stuck in the mud trying to chase down Marty Booker. It almost looks like the field is extra-wide or something. The whole play lasts about a half hour. The former Bears’ solution at wideout leading this year’s solution at safety down the field in the slowest NFL play ever.

And this all brings me back to wide receiver. I’ve said it before: Why Lloyd isn’t a decent veteran option is beyond me. Whenever he was in the game, he played well. He never dropped passes, and he even went up and made a few plays. People forget that he was pretty much the only receiver on the team to make a play in the first 4 games of the year. But no, Larry Mayer seems intent on shoving Earl Bennett down our throats becase he was a 3rd round draft pick, which is supposed make him valuable I guess. If the Bears don’t sign Lloyd, the climate seems ripe for a Tory Holt showing (who may be released soon), or maybe even Marvin Harrison.

None of this is going to happen though. Not TO, not Roy Williams, Marvin Harrison, Tory Holt . . . probably not even Darren Sharper. Instead, we’ve got Craig Steltz, Earl Bennett, and Rashied Davis. Bear down, folks, it’s gonna get ugly.

Oh well, I didn’t want a free agent this year anyways. Maybe Mark Anderson will turn it around this year. Orton is pretty much on par with Cutler or Cassel, right?

In other news, Darren Sharper may have an interest in coming to the Bears. I’d be sort of pissed if we signed him a couple weeks after telling Mike Brown to hit the road. What, exactly, does a 13-year veteran have that Brown doesn’t? Knees and ankles, fine, maybe. But he gave up just as many big plays as Brown. Note, for example, Devin Hester’s one long catch-and-run in 2008. The guy who’s he de-pantsed to break free? Yep, Darren Sharper.

But there’s a simple way to make sure he doesn’t end up in a Bears uniform: Just write to Larry Mayer. Time after time, he’ll tell you Marvin Harrison is no better than Earl Bennett, that signing T.J. Housmandzadeh would be like last year’s move for Marty Booker, or that Jim Leonhard hasn’t proven he can be an NFL safety. So, we write in asking if the Bears are interested in Darren Sharper, he responds that it’s not gonna happen, and we all move on.

At the time of this post, the Bears have not found a way to exploit Cutler’s sadness and acquire him on the cheap, which also means no one else has. This is as close as we’re ever gonna get. Drink it in, Bears fans, for it is glorious.